Majorly English

I couldn’t help but wonder about the decision-making processs behind his purchase. Did he wake up one day and say to himself, “Well, I’m already albino, might as well go get a Segway.” Because let’s be honest, we all kind of want a Segway. If somebody came up to you on the street and said, “Hey buddy, I’ve got a Segway here for you. Enjoy!” how many of us would immediately say, “No, thank you, kind stranger, I’ve got two perfectly good legs here for the using!” No, nobody would say that, because Segways are awesome. Not only do you get to cruise around in wheeled style, you also get a good foot or so in height, so you can tower over all of us legged losers the way Cortez probably looked at the Aztecs before he shot them all.

However, none of us would ever go out and buy a Segway. Number one, they’re disgustly expensive, a couple thousands dollars or so, I believe. That money is better spent on food, rent, and a bike for God’s sake. No matter how cool a Segway may look, they’ll never say, “I’m cool, check out my gyroscopes.” They’ll always first say, “I’m fiscally irresponsible.”

Let’s look at the world’s most famous Segway user, G.O.B. Bluth. For those of you not familiar with this character, shame on you. Seriously, it’s your fault the most brilliant show created this generation was canned before it could even complete its third season, and you should be embarassed for opting instead to watch According to Jim or some other such garbage. You’ve made a huge mistake.

But back on task, G.O.B. Bluth is the epitome of the guy who does things that should be cool, but definitely aren’t. He’s a magician, and everybody wishes they could do a little magic. If you could make a quarter appear from behind someone’s ear, or be mauled by a Siberian tiger and live, that should be some cool-ass stuff. But it never is, because magic is always performed by guys with waxed eyebrows and Aquanet hair who wear shirts with sequins. The kind of kids whose moms insisted they take dance lessons, and they told the kids at school that Bo Jackson took ballet, but it didn’t matter, because Bo Jackson did it for football, so it cancelled it out. And Bo didn’t know intermediate jazz dance. Magic, the bending of the laws of physics and the time-space continuum should be the coolest thing a guy can do, the type of thing that makes men envious and women ovulate, but instead the coolest guy magic can produce is Criss Angel, who Number One goes by ‘Criss Angel,’ and Number Two looks the love child of Steve Perry and Fozzie the Bear. He looks like Chris Kattan’s character from Goth Talk.

Now I know what you’re going to say, the old magician fallback argument: David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer. “David Copperfield got a supermodel, and he’s a magician meememeememee” is what you sound like. However, I’m convinced that supermodels are so far at the extremes of the beauty scale, their perspective of beauty is skewed, and what appears to be a person more beautiful than them is really the person at the other end of the spectrum, as they’ve reach the end and gone back to the beginning. See: Heidi Klum and Seal. Also see: Lupus. I sincerely question supermodel dating criteria legitimacy, among other things.

G.O.B. Bluth also rides a Segway. It establishes his character as reckless with his money, and as someone who really has no idea what cool is, despite his best attempts to the contrary. That’s where the Segway, a technological marvel with few peers, sits in status in our country.

OK, we’ve covered the Segway, let’s move on to the albinism. Segways are a technological marvel that have gotten wedgied by public opinion, and albinism is one of the few disabilities in America today that is still acceptable to mock and still have it be considered in good fun. Why is that the case? Is it because they look like they’re just extremely pale, or because they have to wear floppy hats in the sun? Is it because they sometimes look like they came from the future, where people live underground or on the moon or something? I don’t know what it is, but albinos are still capable of being mocked. An albino in a wheelchair suffering from Parkinson’s? Not so much. An albino on a Segway, the perfect combination of misplaced mockery, is enough to merit its own overly long and rambling blog post about how absolutely freaky it is.

I saw an albino on a Segway the other day. I salute that pasty man, for sticking it to the Tan Man, saying screw you to convention and proudly screaming, “I’m an albino, and I’m riding a Segway because I can! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to apply some sunscreen before I turn on my computer monitor!”