Majorly English

I turn 23 years old today. I know it doesn’t sound very old, but it feels like a very significant change. At 22, you’re a college-aged male. You’re expected to drink way too much, watch way too much television, and spend more time playing NCAA Football 2006 than on personal hygiene and eating combined.

At 23, you’re generally at the age of a college graduate, one year into the harsh world of reality. You generally have a job at the bottom of the totem pole, live on a generally below-average salary, and find the transition from 18 credit hours a week to 45-hour weeks a bit jarring. No more impromptu Step by Step marathons for you, and be sure to hit the hay by eleven, you have a conference call tomorrow!

As I enter into the tumultuous minefield of responsibility that is Adulthood, I think it’s a good time to take stock of my life, see how I’m doing so far. So let’s compare myself to another young man just becoming a Man, and see how I stack up.

I’m six months older than LeBron James. Hopefully it doesn’t skew the results too much.

Finances

Me – I recently obtained the first full time job I’ve ever had in my entire life. Previously, I spent years bouncing from internship to internship, including a brief and entirely spirit-crushing stint as a bookseller/soy halfcaf mocha peon at Barnes & Noble. I can comfortably pay my rent each month, and I have a NetFlix account. The cheapest one available. Five bucks a month.

LeBron – Before his NBA debut, James signed an unprecedented $90 million shoe contract with Nike.

Edge – LeBron. I don’t have $90 million. But LeBron probably doesn’t get nice fat $40 tax refund checks because the IRS decided that he needed the money more than they did. I do.

Prestige

Me – I have my own cubicle. It has a phone and a computer. And a filing cabinet that dates back to the Hoover administration.

LeBron – Dude has enough respect to spread it around to multiple personalities. And then show it on national television.

Edge – LeBron. My ego gets a boost when I time catching a bus correctly and remember to take in dry cleaning. LeBron has enough egos to match them to his shoes. The ones he’s paid $90 million to wear.

Family Life

Me - I’m getting married in two weeks to my high school sweetheart.

LeBron – LeBron has two children by his high school sweetheart. Is not married.

Edge – Push. Granted, LeBron has advanced a bit further in the Game of Life, he did so through illicit sinful practices.

Ability to Juggle

Me - Can juggle. Impresses the chicks. Especially if they’re eight.

LeBron – To best of my knowledge, cannot juggle.

Edge – Me. A man cannot call himself complete until he has simultaneously kept aloft more objects than his hands will typically allow.

Point Breakdown

Finances – 5 points

Prestige – 8 points

Family Life – 15 points

Ability to Juggle – 92 points

And the grand total . . . LeBron comes in with 28 points, but in an upset, I total a staggering 107 points!

Remember, kids, life is all what you make it. And when you’re working your first real job and live in a studio apartment, it’s best to make it heavily rely on esoteric talents with no real life applicability.