Majorly English

I’m pretty sure it goes like this.

Apparently the paradoxically-named World Championship of American Football is underway. This is the third time to Japan-based contest to determine the world champion of American football has been held, but the 2007 edition marks the first time the United States has entered the competition. I’m sure you have a mental image of how the contest is probably shaking out, but you would be wrong.It’s even more savage than your wildest dreams.

The United States, fielding a team that I’m sure is made up of police officers from the Bronx, firefighters from the South side of Chicago, one guy who is Terrell Owens’ cousin and never lets anyone forget it (“Your name is Chad, wanting to put TO on the back of your jersey doesn’t even make sense!”), and Eric Crouch, beat the Korean team, consisting of the absolute best American football players the country could muster, 77-0.

Let me repeat that: the United States beat Korea seventy-seven to zero. I really don’t want to make a Hiroshima joke, but it’s the only thing that feels accurate. Except in the geography area.

Let’s check out a recap after the jump, shall we?

Welcome to beautiful Kawaski Stadium, it’s a lovely 78 degrees, and a perfect day to bring the world a little bit closer through football. Closer to America, that is.

And here’s the kick!

USA       1  11:51  KICKOFF:  KOR (K.h Choi)  kicks from KOR 35 to USA 16

                                   returned by B Awrey to KOR EZ

                    Kick by C Coffin  GOOD!

Well hey, Florida managed to bounce back against Ohio State, right?

USA       1   8:32  C Childs runs for +13 TOUCHDOWN!

                    Kick by C Coffin  GOOD!

USA       1   6:25  Punt BLOCKED by J Kubiak TO KOR EZ recovered by R Rodriguez

USA       1   5:16  K.m Kim passes INTERCEPTION

                         intercepted by S Teeples at KOR 05 returned to KOR EZ TOUCHDOWN!

                    Kick by C Coffin  GOOD!

USA       2   8:12  H.c Song punts to USA 26

                        returned by B Awrey to KOR EZ

                    Kick by C Coffin  GOOD!

HALFTIME!

USA       3  10:00  K.b Park runs for no gain

                        FUMBLED by K.b Park to KOR EZ recovered by USA (D Calbert)

USA       3   8:21  H.c Song punts to USA 50

                        returned by S Odom to KOR EZ

                    Kick by C Coffin  GOOD!

And those are your highlights/Exhibits A-J in what can only be called a gross and perverse mass murder.

As for overall game stats, Uncle Sam racked up 266 net yards, barely eclipsing Korea’s total of negative 31.

The real deciding factor looked to have been in the trenches, as the US rolled to a healthy 198 yards rushing, as Korea had a hard time getting the ground game going, managing only negative 47 yards by foot.

Of course, when you fall behind early in the game, nine seconds in Korea’s case, it makes you adjust your game plan, as the Koreans quickly turned to their passing game, where they made it a bit more competitive, totaling 16 yards to the American’s pity-laden 68.

Of course, all 16 of those yards came on a single reception by a Mr. K. J. Han, who presumably found a hole in the American defense by gamely playing dead for the majority of the first three quarters around the 35 yard line, only to spring up to make the catch, and be actually killed by the rightfully embarrassed US linebacking corps. We’d give him kudos for holding on to the ball despite the lethal hit, but when your torso is actually impaled on the ball, it kind of goes against the accepted technique.

All in all, the American team scored four special teams touchdowns, two defensive, and five times on offense. The defense managed to outgain the Korean offense by gaining zero yards to the aforementioned negative 31 , and also did not allow a first down the entire time.

The United States is scheduled next to face Germany on July 12th, but of course that game may be postponed when the entire American squad is arrested and jailed at The Hague, awaiting their trial for the multiple crimes against humanity committed against Korea.