Despite what I may lead you to believe, Kevin Costner’s fan base is not rabid.

The reason I know this is because they assaulted me with personal insults as proof that they are not rabid, but rather dynamic, wholesome people who enjoy yelling at strangers on the Internet for saying that “Waterworld isn’t as bad as people say.”

Let me get you up to speed: I wrote a post a couple weeks ago saying that I was mildly concerned that I saw two movies recently that prominently involved Kevin Costner, and I didn’t hate them at all. In fact, I lukewarmly enjoyed them.

For some reason, that post got picked up by a website called Kevin Costner’s Korner, and the owner of the site posted it on her message board as a “news item.” I have no idea how she found me, but I’m assuming she did it by searching for “Kevin Costner” on Webcrawler from her AOL account every 5 minutes or so. I mean, you obviously have a significant chunk of time on your hands when you decide to develop a web page devoted to Kevin Costner.

Here’s what she wrote:

Disturbing Trends! Pic of Kevin! Don’t Miss This!

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Apparently, it was a can’t miss, and apparently it included an exciting picture of Kevin Costner that I found on the first page of Google Image Search.  And apparently it was cool.

Anyways, I noticed that I was linked by a Kevin Costner message board, which is weird enough.  But when I visited and saw that it had a hot pink background, a Hasselhoffian picture of the Costner, and was called “Kevin Costner’s Korner,” I had to mention it in a follow-up post.

Hello, I’m Lifeguard Costner, do you need mouth-to-mouth?  No?  Would you like some?

The purveyor of KCK, a woman named Charlotte who I assume owns many cats, noted this post as well by putting this on the message board:

KEVIN COSTNER’S KORNER IS IN THE NEWS TODAY FANS!!

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I left a comment on this news item. Be sure to read it and post your own comment.

Apparently, I wrote a “news item.”  If what I write passes for news, Hampster Dance must be considered fine theater.  Oh, but it was still cool.

The good people at KCK apparently didn’t enjoy my post very much, because they rained down on my blog with negative comments like so many pieces of hail.  Actually, like 5 pieces of hail.  But still, I didn’t think there were 5 people who would call themselves Kevin Costner fans, let alone ones avid enough to defend any naysaying against him on the Internet, which must be an overtime job.

Oh, and apparently the website is actually for the members of Kevin Costner’s extended family, who write about themselves in relation to Kevin, and what a great guy he is to be tangentially related to.  I’m not sure if that’s worse than a creepy fan site, but it probably is.

The owner of Kevin Costner’s Korner started us off with this missive:

I was really shocked to see my Kevin Costner Website in the news today. I am glad you were able to drop by. Thanks for bringing the world to my websites attention. We have a wonderful group of fans here and we all love Kevin. I post news here every day about Kevin and today I can post news about Kevin’s Korner. Even your insults of the “rabid” fans will help us more than it will hurt us. I have a question for you. You were afraid someone would come to yor bed carrying a rolled up poster of “The Postman.” Maybe you would prefer someone holding a “bucket of water” instead.

carolinagal

Again, I’m apparently a member of the mainstream media, despite my lack of press credentials and, you know, news.  Oh, and the 200ish people who visit my site?  Did you know you constitute “the world”?  It’s true.

But it appears that my halfhearted attempt at a take down of Kevin Costner fans will only stoke the fires of their love, they will not be silenced.  It kind of smacks of cultism, doesn’t it?

And I have no idea what the “bucket of water” comment is all about.  I think she’s referring to Waterworld, which I already said I liked, and it really creeps me out because the only thing that could pass for a  bucket of water in the movie is filtered Kevin Costner urine.  No offense meant to their preferences, but I’d like to not be drenched in mediocre actor piss if at all possible.

Here’s the next comment:

I think that you single are graduated about bad education.If you do not
like kevin Costner nor his movies…simply not you see them.OK?

OK!

And then:

Not hardly a “RABID” fan base as you call it, but rather a page for a famous family member. Kevin is a great, down-to-earth person, whom we’ve had the pleasure of sharing some wonderful times with. Your post is laughable!!! It’s so “off the wall”, that it doesn’t even make any sense. Perhaps this is just “ALL” about YOU!! A graduate of Notre Dame? I have to question that. Seems like someone with your “so-called” credentials, should be writing about subjects that reflect your intelligence, and your talents, instead of something that shows your obvious ignorance. As a published author myself, I see that your blog writing has NO literary merit whatsoever! You do not have the writing talent that you claim. Kevin “despises” so-called writer’s/people like you who basically don’t know s*it!!

This comment comes from a Robin Brown-Braddy, President of the National Costner Reunion and Published Author ™.  She proceeds to question my “credentials” as a news item creator, in addition to telling me that my blog writing has no literary merit whatsoever.  We’ll let the New Yorker decide that when I send them my latest Crotch Trauma Friday post; magazines can embed video, right?

Oh, and apparently Kevin Costner despises “writer’s/people” like me.

Then Robin Brown-Braddy comes back for more:

P.S. Please, for everyone’s sake…don’t be a writer!!! Do choose another profession in which to utilize your English degree. Your writing is much too rabid and the masses will never understand it. Maybe you should just work in a library or a bookstore where other “wanna-be” writers like you only
fantasize about being a writer. Besides…the mere smell of books, old or new, would most likely suffice in your case.

Fun fact:  The first draft of RBB’s book, Kevin Costner and ME was 8 pages long.  Then she added exclamation points to round it out to 345 pages.  And I apparently love the smell of books.  I assume it’s similar to paper.

And the last one (so far), from someone by the name of Jan:

Kevin Costner has a large fan base of intelligent articulate people for whom talent is a necessary attribute in those they admire. Unlike a number of so called ’stars’ his movies do not rely primarily on special effects to maintain the audience’s level of interest. By definition a fan is someone who demonstrates a high degree of loyalty and Kevin’s fans are no exception - there is little we would not do for him; constructive criticism is always welcomed, but inane ridicule for the sake of it is below contempt. Please do not waste your time trying to appear humorous at Kevin’s expense, it merely serves to demonstrate your lack of skill in the endeavour; no one is laughing!

Bonus points go out to Jan for the lack of redundant punctuation, spelling everything correctly, and sounding the least batshit of all KC’s “fans.”  The phrase “there is little we would not do for him” rings a little creepy, but it’s good to know that Kevin Costner doesn’t rely on special effects to bring the heat in his movies.  You know, the movies about a post-apocalyptic world covered in water and dead baseball player ghosts.

Again, it needs to be mentioned that this all came about because I said I didn’t hate Kevin Costner or his movies.  Thank God I didn’t say that I thought The Postman was a little hackneyed, especially considered he had just done a big-budget dystopian film.  I can only assume they would settle for nothing less than 3 fingers for that rogue comment.