Majorly English

Let’s say you’re hired to write a blog for a traveling while golfing website. And, for some reason, on this traveling while golfing website, you’re asked to review a restaurant.
So how do you lead your restaurant review for a golf website that focuses on traveling? By ripping on a football player that has yet to play an actual down for their team.
At least, if you’re Chris Baldwin, that’s what you do. Here’s his bizarrely hate-filled headline:

Cleveland restaurant Sans Souci better than Notre Dame ditz Brady Quinn will ever be

I’m at a loss for words. But given this headline, we have no option but to soldier on, don’t we? Here, hold my hand. For safety purposes.

Cleveland is no longer the Mistake by the Lake. Unless it comes to football. The Browns are still like the Titanic sunk in the lake. Under a whale. With diarrhea.

Diarrhea, mofo.  This traveling, golfing, restaurant reviewing blogger lives on the edge so much, he’s looking into a timeshare.  Hey, you knew what you were getting into when you came to Travelgolf.com (restaurant reviews and Brady Quinn bashing, of course), so I’ve got no sympathy for you, it’s just how things roll at Travelgolf.com.

After talking about seared scallops and sangria, Baldwin starts to wrap it up:

In short, Sans Souci is as good as Brady Quinn will never be for Cleveland. It’s Browns fans’ fate to be cursed by a goofy quarterback from the most overrated college football program of the last 20 years, Notre Dame. As if the Dawg Pound doesn’t have enough crosses to bear, they will soon have a ditz with a mop haircut calling their signals.

I have a very hard time believing that Baldwin sinking his teeth into some scallops immediately conjured up images of how the excellence of his seafood is inversely proportional to the football aptitude of Brady Quinn.

I’m amazed this piece ever made it by an editor, as it manages to be more surreal and filled with hatred than Salvador Dali entering into a mixed-martial arts bout with the color green.

It boggles the mind, and I’ll post the entire text of the article below the jump, partly so you can see how this article redefines non-sequitur for the worse, and partly because I wouldn’t be surprised if an angry editor pulls the piece at some point.  Not because it’s Notre Dame bashing, but because it makes no god damn sense whatsoever.

Cleveland restaurant Sans Souci better than Notre Dame ditz Brady Quinn will ever be Chris Baldwin

Cleveland is no longer the Mistake by the Lake. Unless it comes to football. The Browns are still like the Titanic sunk in the lake. Under a whale. With diarrhea.

But some of Ohio’s golf is surprisingly good, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame can be interesting (though not nearly as great as Cleveland’s tourism people want you to think) and the restaurants go beyond just burgers and fries. Which you couldn’t say back as recently as the late 1980s in Cleveland.

Sans Souci helped bring about some of the dining change though and it still holds up today. It’s in the Renaissance Cleveland, a hotel in an impressive old building that’s smack dab in the heart of all the city’s attractions. Sans Souci professes to feature French Mediterranean cuisine, but it’s largely the typical trendy upscale American fare (though they do offer Sangria by the pitcher). The chefs do the food right though and it’s doubtful you’ll leave disappointed.

The pan seared scallops are tasty and the prosciutto wrapped pork will make you wonder why anyone ever wastes their stomachs on hot dogs. Better yet, Sans Souci does not employ the typical high-end hotel ripoff food pricing. There is only one lunch main course over $16 and many are around $12.

In short, Sans Souci is as good as Brady Quinn will never be for Cleveland. It’s Browns fans’ fate to be cursed by a goofy quarterback from the most overrated college football program of the last 20 years, Notre Dame. As if the Dawg Pound doesn’t have enough crosses to bear, they will soon have a ditz with a mop haircut calling their signals.

Hey, maybe the Indians won’t choke this year and lose their last eight games of the season to miss the playoffs.

Either way, Cleveland always has Sans Souci.