Majorly English

While every college football fan begins the season with dreams of crystal footballs, Heisman trophies, and orgies of points on the way to a national championship, the sad reality is that the odds are heavily stacked against your team to make it through the season unscathed.  Some years a couple teams run the table, other years just one, even none can avoid the stinging ache of a loss.Being a Notre Dame fan, I’ve had plenty of time this year to come to terms with losses.  At this point, the sunken feeling in my gut at the end of a game is like an old drinking buddy.  I know he’s not good for me, and I would probably be better off if I just avoided him altogether, but at the end of a long day, I know I can count on him to be holding a place for me at the bar, and welcome my attempts to dull the pain through the liberal application of alcohol.

Losses at this point are a slow burn, the type of phantom pain an amputee feels when the wind blows just right; I know wins exist and we used to get more of them than losses, but whenever I think of victory now, all I feel is that empty ache of its now-vacated cavern.

But after this weekend, many other fans have joined the Losing Legion, and for them, it’s a vastly different experience.  Like a tsunami, their loss surged from a vast emptiness, and with one swift motion, swept away all that was cherished; all they can do now is pick of the soggy, salt-encrusted debris that used to be their hopes and dreams, and try to get out of bed Sunday morning.

Let’s take a look and see how some fans are coping with shattered dreams and heavily dented hopes.  And yes, this also serves as a delicious platter of schadenfreude, as we Notre Dame fans welcome with open arms new members to the Loser’s Club.  Meetings are biweekly, and here’s your phone tree.  Videos of extensive suffering via football after the jump.

This Florida fan takes us on a thrilling rollercoaster ride of his psyche.  SEE!  As he implores the Swamp to get loud so Auburn can’t hear the ball be snapped.  THRILL!  At the premature despair on the first attempted kick, a mere taste of the despair to come.  WITNESS!  The fan’s adulation for genius Urban Meyer, who recognizes his responsibility to mindfuck the opposing kicker with all his available resources, thereby earning his healthy paycheck.  SUSPENSE!  As you see his mind desperately attempting to come to terms with the ruined season, the silence deafening.  CHERISH!  The all-but foregone meltdown, as the flushed championship dreams are taken out on nearby targets, including a trash can and his hat.  Note that Urban Meyer must be fired and Tim TeBow is a waste of spermatazoa because Auburn won the game.

But not all fans took their losses with a heavy smattering of rage, dunked and deep-fried in profanity.  Take a look at the deflated Longhorn, a species that once roamed the Texas desert in huge numbers, was nearly driven to extinction singlehandedly by Vince Young, but upon his ascension to the NFL, is seeing a resurgence to a healthy population.

The man is complimenting Kansas State, going so far as to proclaim their ownership of the Longhorns’ program.  Obviously a seasoned veteran of high hopes dashed upon the upset rocks via years of Mack Brown football, this Longhorn fan comes to terms with the loss much more readily than the nouveau-riche Gator fan.  His Steamboat of Frustration has weathered many rough seas, and this latest loss is simply another whitecap in a vast Ocean of Dismay.

West Virginia responded to their loss by setting a couch on fire.  They also did this because they happened to have a couch, and it wasn’t as of yet on fire.