Majorly English

Oh, hey there.

I didn’t think you’d hear me come in.  Sorry for running late, things have just been super crazy around the office lately.  Old Man Johnson is even having me come in on the weekends.  I know!  It’s terrible!  Anyways, I hope I didn’t wake you.

Oh.  You were up waiting.  Well, I appreciate that you care that much, but if it’s all the same to you, I think I’m just gonna go hit the hay.  Yeppers, I’m dead tired.  Well, good night!

What?  What kind of a question is that, where was I?  I just told you, I was at the office.  My boss has me working on this special project of his overtime.

The project?  It’s about . . . synergizing our resources to . . . uh . . . better implement . . . paradigms.  It’s all very technical, I don’t want to bore you with it.

I’m cold, that’s why I’m keeping my jacket on, if you really must know.  I am dealing with a low core body temperature, thank you again for your concern.

What?  Why does it matter what I’m wearing under my jacket.  I didn’t realize you moonlighted as the Fashion Police.   Hey, let go!

Yea, it’s a jersey, so what?  A guy can’t wear a jersey anymore?  Last I checked, this was America, right?  The terrorists haven’t won yet, so far as I know, so I think I still have every right to wear a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey if I feel like, and dammit, I do feel like it.  I’ve had to spend my Sunday in the office, working on synergizing paradigms, and I wanted to have some breathable comfort around my torso, OK? Good enough for you?

Good Lord, you’re being so nosy!  Why are you acting so suspicious?  It’s not like I have anything to hide!

My hand is in my pocket, like I said, because I’m cold.  No, I won’t take it out.  Because I don’t have to, it’s a free country.

Alright!  Fine!  Here!  It’s a ticket stub!  Are you happy?  Did you find what you want?  Now that it’s out there, I’m just going to say it!  I cheated on you, Notre Dame football!

I went to a Pittsburgh Steelers game this weekend, and I had a great time!  A GREAT time!

Don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming.  Sure, we’ve had some great times, me and you.  And I know that when you placed that diploma into my hand, we made a lifelong commitment to each other, but I think we can both agree that things haven’t been right all season.

I don’t know what happened to you, but you’re not the football team I used to love.   We used to have great times together.  Don’t you remember all the touchdowns?  The wins?  Those meant something, and now, you just don’t seem to care!

Look at you!  You’re 1-9, and you’ve completely let your offense go!  It’s like you don’t even try to make me happy anymore, and a man has his limits.

Oh, don’t give me that.  I’ve tried my damnedest to be there for you this year.  I know things have been tough for you lately.  You lost some great players, and you’re hurting for some upperclass talent, and I tried to support you.  I was there for you against Georgia Tech, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Purdue!  Remember, we even took that little trip to Central Pennsylvania for the Penn State game, a little time for us!  But you didn’t care, and things just kept on sliding and sliding down, despite my best efforts to keep us together.

Sure, I thought we had turned things around with UCLA, I thought maybe we had had a breakthrough.  I came out to support you against Boston College, a chance to really make things right between us.  But next week, after all the support, it was back to the same old, same old.

I realize that nobody’s perfect, and that we all make mistakes.  But you can’t honestly expect me to sit by the wayside and tolerate this, do you?  I’m only a fan!

The scene you made against USC, in front of all those people!  I hate to say it, but I felt embarrassed to be associated with you.

And I never, NEVER, in a million years thought you’d go out and do what you did with Navy.  When I swore my allegiance to you, I thought you were the team that would always beat Navy.  It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!

So yea, I skipped the Air Force game this week.  Sure, I checked on the scores because I haven’t completely given up on you, but I until I see a real commitment to getting things back to how they used to be, I don’t know what to tell you.

I’m a fan, and I have needs.  Fanly needs.  And you either can’t, or won’t, satisfy those needs.  So a fan did what a fan has to do, I went elsewhere to get what I needed.

I know you won’t believe this, but I didn’t mean to do what I did.  Yes, I went to the game, but it was supposed to be strictly casual.  I didn’t set out to betray you.  But you know how it is, after a couple of beers, and the mood was so electric, next thing I know, I’m rooting for another team, even though I swore to root for you above all others.  I’m not saying that as an excuse, but so you can understand where I’m coming from.

I know you expect me to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness, to tell you that I’d never betray you again.  But you know what?  I went to that game, and I LOVED it.

The Steelers?  Now that’s a team that knows how to treat a fan!  Everybody was so happy, and cheering, I felt like I’d forgotten what that feels like!  Sure, they’re not perfect, nobody is, but they give me what I need.   Something I’m not getting from you, wins.

I don’t expect forgiveness from you, but I do expect you to understand why I did what I did.  And please believe me when I say that, if I could get my wins from anybody, I’d want to get them from you, baby.  You’re always first in my heart, it’s just been a really, really tough year, you know?  I’ve tried to be supportive, but a fan has his limits.  I needed to go to that game, to remember what it feels like to win,  so I could come back to you with the support you need from me.  I did it so I could be a better fan for you.

Now, I know you’ve made promises to make things right.  And I’ve seen those recruits you’ve been shopping for, and I really do believe that you’ve got something special planned for us.  I want so bad for things to be back where they used to be, back when we were happy together.

But this relationship is a two-way street.  I swear, slight departures aside, I’ll always be there for you.  But for us to be as good as I know we can be, I need a little something from you too.

I want to be your fan, and I know I swore I would be.  But I’m just a fan, and a fan has needs.  I hope you can forgive me.