Daily Archive

Nearly half the country was supposed to cast their vote yesterday regarding who they think can best lead the country for the next four years, and in fact, some percentage of nearly half the country did. So what did we learn last night, when America was exercising the hell of out its civic duty?

• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama aren’t going to punch out early on this one. The First Potential President with Ovaries snagged wins in several big states, and can lay claim to a victory in Massachusetts even though Ted Kennedy’s head endorsed the First Potential President with Melanin.
• However, Obama didn’t do too shabby himself. Hillary ended the day the technical victor when it comes to delegates, but back when the Presidency was just a glimmer in the electorates’ collective eye, Super Tuesday was supposed to be the day when HRC threw down the hammer, tore her opponent’s heart from his chest, and feasted upon to gain his strength and dozen or so delegates. Instead, she’s still rolling around scrabbling for delegates like it’s Super Sloppy Double Dare. Obama technically won more states than Clinton, and won more states by a formidable margin than she did.
• On the Republican side, Mitt Romney has got to be absolutely cheesed at Mike Huckabee right now. With John McCain apparently emerging as the frontrunner in the race, Romney has begun campaigning as the “true” conservative, compared to McCain, who apparently is a gay vegetarian with a Ph.D. The problem lies with Mike Huckabee, who despite a hefty deficit in voters, is also running as a “true” conservative, except he’s running as one that specializes in doing whatever Jesus tells him to do and disregarding evolution. And as we all know, that ignorant zealot block is big in the South, where Huckabee was a winner last night.
• Romney would like Huckabee to drop out of the race post-haste, so he can absorb those “true” conservative voters to make a run at McCain, but Huckabee appears to be sticking strong, potentially hoping to snag a Vice Presidential nod or Ambassador to the Kentucky Creation Museum. Huckabee is totaling blowing Romney’s flow, like your well-intentioned but lacking in self-awareness cousin from the South who goes out to the bar with you. While Romney is spitting his mad game, Huckabee is sticking his formely fat head into the mix and asking the ladies who they think is the greatest WWF champion of all time, and arguing with them when they don’t say Shawn Michaels.

To close, if you’re a Republican, it looks like Romney is flopping around on the deck of the boat with a hook in his mouth and covered in a fine coat of slimy something, and if you’re a Democrat, you have the rare opportunity to have your vote marginally count for something. I’ll be voting next week in my primary, so we’ll meet again on the brightly colored map.