When you hail from a small town like I do, any bit of exposure from sources outside of said municipality results in a good bit of excitement from the townsfolk.  But when your hometown earns itself an entire article in the New York Times, one of the world’s most popular and most influential newspapers, you might as well strap on your overalls and warm up the jug, because you done made it to the big time.

Thanks to a prolonged, near tortuous Democratic primary, my hometown, Johnstown, PA, home of America’s worst ever natural disaster, got itself an article in the Grey Lady it could call its very own.   Some reporters scoured the town to obtain a rich flavor of the area and what the people stand for as we struggle to decide which Democratic candidate we hate the least and want to present to oppose the Republican candidate that is already only somewhat hated.

What did Johnstown make of its newfound worldwide publicity?

Peter Contacos, 42, the fourth generation of his family to own and operate Coney Island Lunch, a downtown Johnstown business that survived two floods and the loss of thousands of regular customers when Bethlehem Steel eliminated 15,000 jobs in the 1970s and ’80s, will not vote for Senator Barack Obama, “because his name is Barack Hussein Obama — case closed.” Mr. Contacos, an avid hunter who proudly displays pictures of himself with a magnificently maned lion he killed in Botswana, said he considered Mr. Obama “a terrorist.”

Because his middle name is Hussein.  Like the evildoer.  They have the same name, meaning they must share similar characteristics.  The same reason why no matter what Billy Bush tells me, I’m convinced Jeff Goldblum has a refrigerator full of faces and knees.

Nicely done, J-Town, you’ve opted for the role of the obese Star Trek fan who auditions for American Idol and presents a homemade papier mache bust of Paula Abdul that looks more like Paula Jones before butchering an Avril Lavigne tune.  You know, the ones Fox shows us just to remind us that no matter what, we’re not them.

However, it should be noted that the businessowner quoted runs a diner most known for its hot dogs, and said hot dogs are most known because as part of their preparation, they are lined up along the cook’s arm, all the way up to the armpit.  Presumably for efficiency, certainly not for health codes.  Some claim that the armpit dog is the best one, but I have my doubts, considering it is closely associated with a stranger’s armpit.

A rich flavor of leftover beef parts, with a hint of Secret brand deodorant.  Delicious enough for a man, but made for a woman.  Her armpits, specifically.